In my last article I recommended mediation for couples who are experiencing conflicts in their relationship but regardless, wish to remain together.

In this posting, I’ll make a few observations regarding couples who decide to separate.

Divorce laws vary by state. Before you make any decisions, first review the “Divorce Basics” section for your state on www.divorcenet.com. Also check your state’s local court website for information on divorce laws, forms, and references. If your state offers court sponsored mediation, you should find information there about that as well. In addition, you will want to consult with a divorce attorney who supports “mediation and collaborative divorce” who can explain your state’s laws in more detail.

That said, the basic process across state lines is the same. If you have a legally recognized marriage, one spouse begins the process by filing a complaint or petition requesting the divorce. Typically one or both parties must either appear in court or submit an affidavit or sworn statement assuring the court the marriage is over.

A decision reflecting your agreement is approved as a formal judgment or decree by the court, sometimes in two judgments, first a temporary (or interlocutory) judgment, followed by a final one. If the divorce is contested, it can take months or years before completed and cost thousands of dollars.

If both parties have made the decision to separate and accept the relationship is over, but need help in doing so on their own, mediation is an option to keep the divorce simple and uncontested.

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Fred Jandt is the author of “How to Survive a Mediation,” available now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and wherever books are sold.

It is estimated that less than 50% of children in the U.S. reach adulthood with both their parents in the home.

Separation and the resulting issue of child custody/visitation has become a form of mediation many will experience.

The Uniform Marriage and Divorce Act, which was approved in 1970, determined that the standard for custody decisions should be the made in a “child’s best interest.” Nearly all states recognize the concept of physical custody, which refers to living arrangements after parents divorce, and legal custody, referring to decisions regarding a child’s health and welfare. Each of these may be sole or joint.

Decisions about custody range from informal agreements reached privately by parents to formal judicial determination following a trial. One of those methods is Child Custody Mediation.

Perhaps in no other form of mediation will the process vary more depending on what state it is held. In most, court-sponsored mediation is offered for custody and visitation. In some, it is mandated by law. Some courts provide the option at no charge while others charge a fee. There are also ones that provide referrals to mediators who provide such services at a reduced-fee. It is also possible in a few states to use a private mediator not affiliated with the court.

I’m often asked how one should prepare for a child custody and visitation mediation. I usually recommend “Keeping your cool and avoid losing your temper because it’s about your child—not about you.” Given more time, I talk about co-parenting and remind them that “Co-parents don’t have to like each other, but they have to work together for the good of their child/children, and that can either be a positive experience or a negative one for all. It’s up to you to determine.”

And then I suggest giving advance thought to what co-parenting would include, such as:

• Who will make decisions about the child’s welfare - Is legal custody to be sole or joint?

• Where will the child live - Is physical custody to be sole or shared?

• Plan for issues that might arise with physical custody, such as school vacations, holidays, special days (Birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Day), religious and sports activities, and transportation for getting to and from these consistent events.

• If supervised visitations - Where and in whose presence?

• General guidelines, including access to extended family members, shared access to school and medical records, notifications of schedule changes, telephone contact, medical emergencies/contacts, discipline style, relocation, introduction by parents of new partners, counseling or parenting classes, and any other issue important to either parent that will impact their child’s life.

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Fred Jandt is the author of How to Survive a Mediation available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and wherever books are sold.