In 2000, Robert Putnam’s book “Bowling Alone” revealed Americans were less involved in civic and social groups, resulting in a decline in the “social capital” of relationships.

Perhaps more revealing was a Pew Research Center survey released this past February stating 56% of us have stopped talking with someone about political news, compared to 45% in 2024. Liberal, educated, and higher income people are more ikely to say they avoid talking with others about news, if it means risking making relationships uncomfortable.

Mediators know healthy relationships require honest exchanges and avoiding interaction not only weakens interpersonal relationships, but as Putnam would argue, also larger social relationships.

So, how do mediators facilitate talking about tense issues in conflict situations? First comes listening to understand the other’s position and values without making any assumptions. Secondly, mediators don’t immediately engage in argumentation to change a person’s position. Rather, they engage in a discussion to identify shared values.

Communication professor and environmentalist Sally Gearhart and her transformation from confrontation with loggers to finding the “joining point” where they can communicate with shared struggles, serves as an excellent example of how this approach is applied. As she wrote, it’s possible to have a position without creating enemies.

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Fred Jandt is the author of “How to Survive a Mediation,” available now at Barnes & Noble, and wherever books are sold.

Most people believe successful dispute resolution requires substantiation or proving their claim with evidence and aggressive argumentation. Inherent in this approach is a “win-lose” assumption that dispute resolution comes from the exercise of real or assumed power and that any compromise is a loss.

Mediators know that a secret to successful dispute resolution is simply asking questions. Questions can not only reveal the respondent’s motivations, but actually act to encourage them to reconsider their own demands.

Some questions mediators ask that can be useful in any dispute are:

How did you arrive at that demand? Asked in a non-confrontational manner, this asks the respondent to share information. For example, a person demanding $25,000 for damages, when asked, may reveal that number is their best estimate, rather than actual estimates from contractors.

What is your objective or what are you trying to accomplish? Remember that demands, however strongly argued, are often just one way to solve the problem. When the objective is revealed, the door can be opened to alternative solutions. Mediators will tell you when asked this questionit’s not unusual to hear, “what I really want is an apology.”

If you were in the other person’s position, how would you see this? Often in conflict parties don’t recognize that the other party may have legitimate concerns. When those issues are recognized the doors to resolution can begin to be opened.

To advance dispute resolution the questioning must not be interrogation or obvious attempts to “win.” Questions that advance dispute resolution must be perceived as genuine attempts to learn more from the respondent.

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Fred Jandt is the author of “How to Survive a Mediation,” available now at Barnes & Noble, and wherever books are sold.