These days various media outlets report the “non-facts” or “lies” of politicians and popular cultural figures. Self-report studies of how often people lie vary widely from “more than once a day” to “over 100 times a day.” That discrepancy leads one to wonder if some of the self-reports themselves are accurate.

Judeo-Christian traditions are clear: The ninth commandment is the admonition not to bear false witness against your neighbor; and in Proverbs “The six things doth the Lord hate: … a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren” (King James Version).

The relationship between lying and conflict is not widely studied, but allow me to report one observation. Volunteer Small Claims Court mediators I’ve trained often report seeing the following occur: All litigants are sworn to tell the truth at the beginning of the day. Some of those litigants are referred to mediation and “tell their story” to the mediator and the other(s) involved in their lawsuit. If the parties don’t reach an agreement in mediation, their dispute goes before the judge. Time permitting, the volunteer mediator may sit in the courtroom to listen to the case. It is not unusual for one of the litigants to tell the judge something completely different to what they said during mediation. These are not “little white lies” but major contradictions that can impact the judge’s ruling. They either lied in the mediation or the courtroom, which is not an unusual occurrence.

The volunteer mediators ask me how they should deal with disputants who they believe to be lying and are often surprised when I tell them “It doesn’t matter.” Mediation is not a forum to “determine the truth.” I say if they were to ask both parties separately who was telling the truth, I would dare say they would each believe they were. I remind them that the objective of mediation is to help the parties reach an agreement about the future, not to determine who is right and who is wrong.

Perhaps in a sense I am suggesting the lying doesn’t matter because it is possible that all the parties are bending the truth to some extent. Lies can get us into conflict; we also use lies to avoid conflict; and we use lies to try and get out of conflicts. 

I would like to hear others’ experiences with lies and conflict.

In a broad stroke, parent-teen conflict starts during early adolescence, reaches its peak at ages 14 to 16 and declines at ages 17 to 18. Conflicts can erupt every few days over such things as household rules; friendships and dating; appearance and behavior; drugs and alcohol; life choices, such as leaving home, college, military and career. In most families, the conflict topics themselves are superficial. It has been estimated, though, that in some 20 percent of families the conflicts are intense, prolonged and unhealthy.

Psychologists say that the basis of those conflicts is the teen’s focus on the parent’s acknowledgement of the their developing capability and maturity. From this perspective, teens engage in conflict with parents to change the dynamic of the relationship so that parents see them as who they think they have become.

Compounding this period of seeking independence from parents is that teens can be inexperienced in handling conflicts. Some may act out with aggressive behavior; some experience symptoms of depression; others may attempt to isolate themselves for long periods.

That’s why I am an advocate of conflict management training in schools and youth groups. Research has shown that peer mediation programs in general are effective in teaching youth non-violent cooperative negotiation and problem solving. The life skills of listening, accepting differences and problem solving help youth deal with their own family conflicts.

One teen who had completed peer mediation training in her school told me that after she learned how to be a mediator “it was a lot easier to deal with my parents!”

And I suspect her parents felt the same way.