PARENTS AND ADOLESCENTS IN CONFLICT

In a broad stroke, parent-teen conflict starts during early adolescence, reaches its peak at ages 14 to 16 and declines at ages 17 to 18. Conflicts can erupt every few days over such things as household rules; friendships and dating; appearance and behavior; drugs and alcohol; life choices, such as leaving home, college, military and career. In most families, the conflict topics themselves are superficial. It has been estimated, though, that in some 20 percent of families the conflicts are intense, prolonged and unhealthy.

Psychologists say that the basis of those conflicts is the teen’s focus on the parent’s acknowledgement of the their developing capability and maturity. From this perspective, teens engage in conflict with parents to change the dynamic of the relationship so that parents see them as who they think they have become.

Compounding this period of seeking independence from parents is that teens can be inexperienced in handling conflicts. Some may act out with aggressive behavior; some experience symptoms of depression; others may attempt to isolate themselves for long periods.

That’s why I am an advocate of conflict management training in schools and youth groups. Research has shown that peer mediation programs in general are effective in teaching youth non-violent cooperative negotiation and problem solving. The life skills of listening, accepting differences and problem solving help youth deal with their own family conflicts.

One teen who had completed peer mediation training in her school told me that after she learned how to be a mediator “it was a lot easier to deal with my parents!”

And I suspect her parents felt the same way.