“I just don’t want to fight anymore” is a declaration I hear from people who ask me about their disagreements. While it’s a common feeling, it represents a misunderstanding about dealing with conflict.

The first misunderstanding is that conflict is abnormal and harmony is normal. The reality is that conflict in relationships is inevitable. Conflict is a fact of life. Both conflict and harmony—not one or the other—are considered typical in relationships.

The second misunderstanding is that conflict destroys relationships. Unresolved arguments can certainly lead to poor outcomes but if confronted by all parties, a resolution can in fact, strengthen a bond.

The third misunderstanding that productive relationships don’t have conflicts. In fact, the very opposite is true: Where conflict is openly expressed and addressed, productivity is highest.

The fourth misunderstanding is that conflicts are a result of poor communication and if people could only communicate better, there would be no clashing of views. That’s understandable. But consider this: With more communication, it can become increasingly clear that the disagreement is very real and important. More communication sometimes leads to parties realizing that they are, indeed, very much in discord.

The fifth misunderstanding is that the best way to avoid conflict is to simply agree or compromise. Giving in or compromising are ways to deal with disunity, but there are more productive ways that result in both parties achieving outcomes they desire.

To help people begin to look at conflict differently, I tell them strife in relationships often occurs with people we care about. In fact, the more important the relationship is to us, the more intense the conflict can be. Usually, the person who is in an argument with you cares or they would just walk away and discount the value of the relationship. So, instead of saying “I just don’t want to fight anymore,” say “I value this relationship so I want to find a way we can work together.”

Such a change in attitude can be the first step for dealing constructively with conflict.

Psychologists use the term “homophily” to refer to people preferring other people with whom they share a characteristic. That recognition of sharing contributes to improved communication though psychologists typically use the term to refer to shared age, gender, class and other similar identifiers.

When we are in conflict, we tend to see all the ways that the other people are different from us and forget that much is, in fact, shared. In conflict situations, something as simple as a shared laugh helps parties recognize that they do and can share something. And from that, communication can be improved.

When the advertising slogan “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” was popular, some mediators began to say, “What happens in mediation, stays in mediation.” I’ve seen otherwise tense and hostile parties smile and laugh from upon hearing that one little bit of humor, which turns an otherwise tense situation into one in which the parties are better able to communicate.

During one session, an experienced mediator broke the point of her pencil and spontaneously said, “That can happen when you get too wrapped up in things.” Breaking her pencil point and that sentence aren’t necesarily amusing, but everyone in the room shared the moment, resulting in laughter by all present.

A well-educated mediator used to find ways to use “sayings” from his fictious “country lawyer uncle” in his summaries of what was said. He might say, “As my country lawyer uncle would say, you saw that offer as about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.” The people smiled, laughed, and in their shared laughter, saw themselves as having something in common.

President Kennedy was known for his creative use of humor. He sometimes gave gifts of silver mugs with this engraving:

There are three things which are real:

God, human folly, and laughter.

The first two are beyond our comprehension:

So we must do what we can with the third.

We could do worse then to find ways to bring appropriate shared laughter in conflict situations.