In a broad stroke, parent-teen conflict starts during early adolescence, reaches its peak at ages 14 to 16 and declines at ages 17 to 18. Conflicts can erupt every few days over such things as household rules; friendships and dating; appearance and behavior; drugs and alcohol; life choices, such as leaving home, college, military and career. In most families, the conflict topics themselves are superficial. It has been estimated, though, that in some 20 percent of families the conflicts are intense, prolonged and unhealthy.

Psychologists say that the basis of those conflicts is the teen’s focus on the parent’s acknowledgement of the their developing capability and maturity. From this perspective, teens engage in conflict with parents to change the dynamic of the relationship so that parents see them as who they think they have become.

Compounding this period of seeking independence from parents is that teens can be inexperienced in handling conflicts. Some may act out with aggressive behavior; some experience symptoms of depression; others may attempt to isolate themselves for long periods.

That’s why I am an advocate of conflict management training in schools and youth groups. Research has shown that peer mediation programs in general are effective in teaching youth non-violent cooperative negotiation and problem solving. The life skills of listening, accepting differences and problem solving help youth deal with their own family conflicts.

One teen who had completed peer mediation training in her school told me that after she learned how to be a mediator “it was a lot easier to deal with my parents!”

And I suspect her parents felt the same way.

“I just don’t want to fight anymore” is a declaration I hear from people who ask me about their disagreements. While it’s a common feeling, it represents a misunderstanding about dealing with conflict.

The first misunderstanding is that conflict is abnormal and harmony is normal. The reality is that conflict in relationships is inevitable. Conflict is a fact of life. Both conflict and harmony—not one or the other—are considered typical in relationships.

The second misunderstanding is that conflict destroys relationships. Unresolved arguments can certainly lead to poor outcomes but if confronted by all parties, a resolution can in fact, strengthen a bond.

The third misunderstanding that productive relationships don’t have conflicts. In fact, the very opposite is true: Where conflict is openly expressed and addressed, productivity is highest.

The fourth misunderstanding is that conflicts are a result of poor communication and if people could only communicate better, there would be no clashing of views. That’s understandable. But consider this: With more communication, it can become increasingly clear that the disagreement is very real and important. More communication sometimes leads to parties realizing that they are, indeed, very much in discord.

The fifth misunderstanding is that the best way to avoid conflict is to simply agree or compromise. Giving in or compromising are ways to deal with disunity, but there are more productive ways that result in both parties achieving outcomes they desire.

To help people begin to look at conflict differently, I tell them strife in relationships often occurs with people we care about. In fact, the more important the relationship is to us, the more intense the conflict can be. Usually, the person who is in an argument with you cares or they would just walk away and discount the value of the relationship. So, instead of saying “I just don’t want to fight anymore,” say “I value this relationship so I want to find a way we can work together.”

Such a change in attitude can be the first step for dealing constructively with conflict.