“I JUST DON’T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE”

“I just don’t want to fight anymore” is a declaration I hear from people who ask me about their disagreements. While it’s a common feeling, it represents a misunderstanding about dealing with conflict.

The first misunderstanding is that conflict is abnormal and harmony is normal. The reality is that conflict in relationships is inevitable. Conflict is a fact of life. Both conflict and harmony—not one or the other—are considered typical in relationships.

The second misunderstanding is that conflict destroys relationships. Unresolved arguments can certainly lead to poor outcomes but if confronted by all parties, a resolution can in fact, strengthen a bond.

The third misunderstanding that productive relationships don’t have conflicts. In fact, the very opposite is true: Where conflict is openly expressed and addressed, productivity is highest.

The fourth misunderstanding is that conflicts are a result of poor communication and if people could only communicate better, there would be no clashing of views. That’s understandable. But consider this: With more communication, it can become increasingly clear that the disagreement is very real and important. More communication sometimes leads to parties realizing that they are, indeed, very much in discord.

The fifth misunderstanding is that the best way to avoid conflict is to simply agree or compromise. Giving in or compromising are ways to deal with disunity, but there are more productive ways that result in both parties achieving outcomes they desire.

To help people begin to look at conflict differently, I tell them strife in relationships often occurs with people we care about. In fact, the more important the relationship is to us, the more intense the conflict can be. Usually, the person who is in an argument with you cares or they would just walk away and discount the value of the relationship. So, instead of saying “I just don’t want to fight anymore,” say “I value this relationship so I want to find a way we can work together.”

Such a change in attitude can be the first step for dealing constructively with conflict.