Over the years it has been my privilege to work with many talented and dedicated mediators, from which I’ve learned a number of things that have made me better at my job.  I’d like to share some of those things that I believe each of us can use ourselves in conflict situations.

A little humor usually helps. Participants in a mediation may be under stress and may not have much experience with the process. What a mediator says in the opening statement is very important to inform the parties as to what to expect and motivate them to participate meaningfully and constructively.

During this explaination, most mediators will say something like “everything that is said in mediation is confidential except as provided by law.” But one very experienced mediator starts by saying to the parties, “You’ve heard what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?  Well, what happens in this mediation stays in this mediation except as provided by law.” She tells me that one simple reference to “what happens in Vegas” brings smiles and a chuckle and helps the parties feel a bit more at ease.

The mediator doesn’t need to reveal all they know. One of the best mediators I know has decades of experience as a real estate broker. When she left that career for a new one in mediation, she did get many referrals from former business associates who respected her. But when she accepts mediation dealings with real estate disputes, she typically does not reveal the extent of her background and knowledge. Usually in her mediations at some point the discussion would focus on some aspect of the real estate industry. While she fully understood the concept under discussion, she would say something like, “Can you explain to me exactly what you mean by….” or some variation of that suggesting she did not fully understand the concept. As the parties turned to “educate” her on the concept they might discover that they themselves had different understandings of the concept. Having parties “educate” the mediator oftentimes helps the parties themselves have a better understanding of their dispute.

Finally, the mediator doesn’t always have to do something. In many mediations the parties sometimes try to seek out direction or advice from the mediator. In facilitative and transformative styles of mediation the mediator does not give advice. One mediator I know has a very dramatic way of saying, “I don’t know. What do the two of you want to do?” and then just sits there quietly and waits for something to happen. And it usually does. After a conflict and the effort to get into mediation, when this mediator says she doesn’t know what to do, that dramatically puts the pressure on the parties themselves to act. And they usually do.

Mediation is a learned skill and many of those skills can be used by any of us in most conflict situations.

While many people have heard of or experienced Small Claims Court mediation for limited dollar amount disputes or Family Court mediation for child custody and visitation, few have experience with the wide range of situations in which mediators work with families.  

Let me just list some by category:

Cohabitation Agreements: Assisting unmarried individuals agree on their individual rights and responsibilities such as household responsibilities and expenses

Pre-nuptial and Post-nuptial Agreements: Agreements as to assets, liabilities and financial support in the event a marriage ends in divorce

Marital Mediation: Mediation with couples attempting to save a marriage from divorce in practical and in the short-term but does not deal with therapeutic analysis as would marital counseling.

Same-sex Couples: Assisting same-sex couples develop agreements as to entering into or dissolving a relationship

Family Business: Family-owned businesses can experience conflicts that are not only business-related but personal as well. Mediation assists family members to deal with issues of goals, structure, control, finance, succession, and selling the business.

Divorce Mediation: Divorcing couples who wish to maintain some sort of relationship benefit from mediation over the issues in their divorce.

Estate Planning: Estate planning can assist families dealing with elderly or terminally ill family members to plan for care and estate issues.

Probate Mediation: Conflicts can arise during probate that can involve family, friends, caretakers and possibly charitable organizations.

Elder Mediation: Families may experience conflicts over issues of the care of an elderly family member.

Please note that family mediation is no psychotherapy, marital counseling or legal representation. Mediators who deal with family issues assist family members discuss difficult issues, ask questions,  exchange views and find mutually acceptable solutions to family problems. After mediation, the family may or may not require the assistance of a legal professional or other professional to implement their decisions.

The major benefits are two. First, mediation is a less costly process, but second and more importantly, mediation focuses on the relationship between the parties to maintain the family.