Several years ago with counseling psychologist Paul Pedersen I planned and executed an international conference for Asia Pacific mediators in Penang, Malaysia. Mediators shared examples of how they conducted sessions.

I will never forget a presentation by Chalidaporn Songsamphan of Thammasat University in Bangkok which described a mediation conducted by a Buddhist monk. He told of a logging company in Thailand that needed land for growing trees and how its agents attempted to buy the land from locals. Some of those sales were by families who did not in fact own the land. The resulting disputes among those families escalated into violence.

The monk who was known and respected by the families stepped in to mediate. He first convinced all the parties that he was impartial and wanted to help. He then acted as an intermediary and was able to get the families to meet face-to-face. At the conclusion of the successful mediation the monk had the disputing families put their weapons in containers and poured water over them. He then asked the family members to take a drink of that water as a ceremonial oath to end the violence in the spirit of the Buddhist teaching that hatred can only be stopped by forgiveness.

Thailand is what is known as a high context culture, that is, one where much of the meaning of communication is embedded in the context or the environment rather than in the spoken words. For example, Japan is another high context culture and the traditional Japanese tea ceremony demonstrates this well. All the meaning is in the environment and actions. No words are spoken. Now, contrast that with two people in low context sharing coffee in the United States. The environment, the design of the cups and the actions are all irrelevant as the meaning comes in the words the people are speaking.

In a low context culture such as the U.S., the resolution of a dispute is usually a written agreement where considerable effort is put into the selection of the words so that both parties are satisfied. At the most disputants in the U.S. may shake hands—that is the extent of the ceremony.

But in high context cultures settlements are often accompanied by ritual and spirituality. Lao Tzu said in the 5th century BCE, “Ceremonies are the outward expressing of inner feelings.”

Even in the U.S., after an agreement is signed, if I feel the parties may be open to it, I ask if they would like to shake hands. When that happens it seems that the parties have reinforced their relationship beyond what their written agreement did.

I just completed another training program for volunteer mediators. There are no national certification nor licensure requirements. Each individual state has its own guidelines for mediator training. Typically the first step for volunteers is a forty-hour course that includes:

• The history and theory of mediation

• The opening statement, listening and issue identification

• Techniques for helping parties achieve agreements

• Typical fact patterns in common disputes

• Law and ethics

• Dealing with cultural diversity

• Program administration

  And usually the first course includes classroom lecture-discussion, role plays of simulated disputes with evaluation and assessment, and observations of actual mediations.

Professionals who do facilitative and transformative mediation training stress the principle of self-determination. They want volunteers to understand and appreciate the importance of disputing parties creating and crafting resolution to their own problems.

I asked the volunteers who completed my last class to tell me what they thought was the most important thing they learned. Some of the answers were:

“I learned the power of summarizing, asking questions, listening to get to the heart of the dispute.”

“I learned how to form my questions to help disputants clear their thinking, eliminate feelings, and find agreements.”

“I learned how to use listening to help disputants get off the merry-go-round of yes/no.”

“I was surprised to learn that the mediator doesn’t know the parties nor the content of their dispute. Now I understand that the mediator is the process expert—not the problem-solving expert.”

“I just wish I had taken this class years ago!”

Of course, I believe that everyone can benefit from learning mediation skills—even if they never become a formal mediator. The skills can be applied in our families, our neighborhoods, our organizations and our society.