Things I've Learned From Other Mediators

Over the years it has been my privilege to work with many talented and dedicated mediators, from which I’ve learned a number of things that have made me better at my job.  I’d like to share some of those things that I believe each of us can use ourselves in conflict situations.

A little humor usually helps. Participants in a mediation may be under stress and may not have much experience with the process. What a mediator says in the opening statement is very important to inform the parties as to what to expect and motivate them to participate meaningfully and constructively.

During this explaination, most mediators will say something like “everything that is said in mediation is confidential except as provided by law.” But one very experienced mediator starts by saying to the parties, “You’ve heard what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?  Well, what happens in this mediation stays in this mediation except as provided by law.” She tells me that one simple reference to “what happens in Vegas” brings smiles and a chuckle and helps the parties feel a bit more at ease.

The mediator doesn’t need to reveal all they know. One of the best mediators I know has decades of experience as a real estate broker. When she left that career for a new one in mediation, she did get many referrals from former business associates who respected her. But when she accepts mediation dealings with real estate disputes, she typically does not reveal the extent of her background and knowledge. Usually in her mediations at some point the discussion would focus on some aspect of the real estate industry. While she fully understood the concept under discussion, she would say something like, “Can you explain to me exactly what you mean by….” or some variation of that suggesting she did not fully understand the concept. As the parties turned to “educate” her on the concept they might discover that they themselves had different understandings of the concept. Having parties “educate” the mediator oftentimes helps the parties themselves have a better understanding of their dispute.

Finally, the mediator doesn’t always have to do something. In many mediations the parties sometimes try to seek out direction or advice from the mediator. In facilitative and transformative styles of mediation the mediator does not give advice. One mediator I know has a very dramatic way of saying, “I don’t know. What do the two of you want to do?” and then just sits there quietly and waits for something to happen. And it usually does. After a conflict and the effort to get into mediation, when this mediator says she doesn’t know what to do, that dramatically puts the pressure on the parties themselves to act. And they usually do.

Mediation is a learned skill and many of those skills can be used by any of us in most conflict situations.