I’m often asked what to tell someone going into mediation for the first time.

Many people have no real understanding, nor experience with mediation. For example, a former student surveyed people in grocery store lines by asking them if they were familiar with mediation. More than one responded with something like “it’s when you close your eyes and try to clear your mind.” Needless to say, mediation is not meditation.

I try to provide five simple and direct directions:

First: Mediation is not about proving you’re right and the other party is wrong. It is important to bring any supporting documents, especially since the mediator may ask you to share documents with each other. But mediation is not a court. There is not someone there who will listen to arguments and render a decision.

Second: While mediation is not about the past, it is about the future. People usually come to mediation with their mind made up with the one and only solution they will accept. Instead, come to mediation with some ideas for other possible solutions.

Third: Listen carefully to what the mediator says about the process, particularly about confidentiality.

Fourth: Listen carefully to the other party and don’t focus on their demands and arguments. Try to listen for what might be motivating their position.

Fifth: Remember, mediation must be voluntary. No one can force you to accept an agreement. If you feel a solution is unacceptable, you have the right to tell the mediator to address the situation or stop the process.

I’ve been asked repeatedly what makes a good mediation session work. But what people who are considering the process really want to know is what’s the magic behind it.

Each mediation is unique, but I believe there are two fundamental factors that explain successfull outcomes.

First, mediation levels the playing field and helps parties see the advantages of working together when addressing conflicts. Many attempts at dispute resolution fail because one of the parties simply is not willing to participate in a meaningful way. This usually happens if they see no advantage to participating. In other instances, some believe they have the facts on their side while others the financial resources to win; Many are convinced they’re right and any reasonable person would agree. When facing such hesistant participants, a neutral third party can encourage reasons and advantages of working together to resolve their issues.

Second, mediation requires creative thinking. So many disputants see one way only to resolve their issues. They see dispute resolution as just an opportunity to argue their preconceived solution. But parties can be motivated by an effective mediator to think creatively and find ways that satisfy both their needs and those of their counterparts.

From my experience, the most impactful mediation levels the playing field when infused with creativity.

These are two fundamental factors that make the process “seem” like magic.