Mediators can’t force people to reach agreements and have long recognized conflicts have an optimal time for settlement. Conflict theorists describe this as the “Stages of Conflict:”

Latent Conflict, the first stage, exists in most relationships whether referring to couples, families, organizations, or societies. One party in the relationship begins to have an awareness of some level of discomfort, but it’s not at the point of initiating any action. Latent conflict can last for years before the other party becomes aware of that one person’s uneasiness.

The Emergence Stage is when the discomfort has become strong enough that there is the first outburst of conflict.

In the Escalation Stage conflict grows in intensity as arguments and threats are voiced; additioanl issues are raised; issues become expressed in broader terms; outside people are drawn into the conflict; and all involved focus on hurting one another in some fashion.

Conflicts eventually reach a stalemate where neither party is willing to accept a loss and perceives an advantage of continuing the disagreement. It is only when parties begin to appreciate the costs as a result that mediation can be effective.

Mediation helps deescalate conflicts and facilitates parties to reach settlements. But resolution isn’t possible when one party feels discomfort or when either parties perceive some advantage, tangible or psychological.

Mediators know sessions can be successful when they hear parties say, “I just want to get this behind us.”

I’m often asked how one becomes a mediator and whether or not a person needs to be an attorney in order to be one?

To answer that question I first need to distinguish between informal and formal mediation. Informal mediation is what any of us do when we attempt to help family members, friends or co-workers resolve a dispute. When doing so, mediation skills are employed, but not necessarily as a trained mediator. If one identifies themselves as a mediator, then it implies they follow the ethical practices of the profession.

In the United States, the laws governing mediation vary by state. Most typically, many programs and courts require forty-hours of training, which includes lecture, role plays, and observations. You may have seen the term “Certified Mediator.” In most instances this only verifies attendance of a specified number for hours of training. The certificate is not an indication of competence. Some states are addressing the issue of mediator credentialing as have some professional organizations across the nation.

While some universities and law schools offer courses and programs in mediation and alternative dispute resolution, I recommend starting with training offered by community mediation programs. I have taught thousands of people at these centers. Some went on to become professional mediators, most became volunteer mediators, and all reported using the skills as an informal mediator in their families or on the job.

You can find a listing of such programs on the National Association for Community Mediation website .