Sometimes people meet with a mediator and never the other party involved during sessions, leaving them to wonder if they really participated in a mediation at all.

When disputing parties speak to each other, mediator’s refer to this as cross-talk, depending on their approach to conducting sessions.

In what is known as the “Evaluative Style,” often run by retired judges and attorneys, mediators may share their opinions about the case and possible settlements. Evaluative mediators may conduct the entire session using only private meetings with the parties.

In “Facilitative Style,” mediators don’t share their opinions and may or may not use cross-talk based on their assessment as to whther or not it would be productive.

In “Transformative Style,” the parties engage in extensive cross-talk.

As a mediator, if I believe parties are willing to speak with one another constructively, I will always encourage extensive cross-talk since, after all, it is the parties’ dispute and ultimately their agreement.

My colleague, Susan Nauss Exon, a professional arbitrator and mediator, recently shared an example of the value of cross-talk during a session between a businessman and homeowner. She learned in private meetings with the homeowner how frustrated she was because of several failed attempts to succesfully contact the businessman’s company, which lead to her filing a lawsuit.

Susan felt the homeowner needed to be heard, so she suggested a joint session and established ground rules of no interruptions and mutual respect. The homeowner made a logical, orderly statement of the events. In response, the businesman explained he had no idea of her difficulties and would have expected they’d be addressed. After the interaction, an agreement was reached and he learned about issues he may not have otherwise had be aware of, all due to the cross-talk approach.

As Susan recommends, there are times to keep parties separate and others to encourage cross-talk. An experienced mediator will help parties decide whether or not a joint session is right for them.

No doubt disagreements and conflicts are serious business. But does that mean participants in mediation expect their mediators to always be somber and no-nonsense?

 Most successful mediators know how and when to use humor. For example, a distinguished and colorful one who works for the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service is Bill Usery, whose mediations are legendary. His achievements include the first collective bargaining agreement among seven unions in the newly created, semi-autonomous U.S. Postal Service; the National Football League pre-season strike; and the thirteen-month walkout of mine workers in Harlan County, Kentucky.

When an exhaustive session between railroad workers and management deadlocked with both parties refusing to talk any further, Usery left the room to get a cigar. He returned wearing a button that read “We Try Harder,” a well-known slogan by Avis, the car rental company. Everyone appreciated the visual, laughed, and eventually reached a settlement. Usery’s hunch that humor would ease tensions was spot on.

 Recently, several community mediators used another popular ad, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” It was reported one of the participants during a mediation couldn’t grasp the concept of confidentiality, which created much frustration. The mediator in charge looked at this person and with a smile said, “You’ve heard ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,’ well what happens in mediation stays in the mediation.” Everyone laughed, the particpant understood, and the session went forward.

 Recently, Jim Melamed, co-founder of Mediate.com, posted a list of “Mediation Mugs” available on Amazon.com, suggesting having one at the mediation table might provide some comic relief.

Some of my favorites are:

“Don’t make me use my mediator voice.”

“Only the strong become mediators.”

“This is what an awesome mediator looks like.”

“I am a mom and a mediator. Nothing scares me.”

All this to say, a smile and laugh, when appropriate, can help conflicting parties work together.