A 2020 U.S. Census Bureau report showed that in 2018 there were about 12.9 million custodial parents raising 21.9 million children under 21 years-old with one parent living elsewhere.  This means that every year millions of parents face dealing with custody and visitation rights during the holidays.

While most have firm plans or custody and visitation agreements, the holidays can always present unanticipated situations that impact expectations. Some parents may have very clear agreements that deal with unexpected events, but even then, may need to deal with the holidays on a more informal basis. In such cases, some may have predetermined access to a family mediator to help resolve the issue at hand.

Mediation skills can help parents reach an understanding that the first consideration must be the needs and interests of the child. And though the approach may be non-confrontational, they should prepare as if going to a formal mediation by being clear as to what they would like and then be honest as to why. For example, do they want the child in their home on Christmas morning because it brings back memories of their own childhood or previous traditions before the separation or divorce? And if so, is that necessarily in the best interest of the child or even the parent who made the request?

While it is easy to assume agreements over holiday plans can be solved with compromise, i.e., one parent has the morning and the other the afternoon, they should allow themselves to be creative to reach satisfactory outcomes for all. Creative agreements are possible when the parents appreaciate each other’s desires.

But when parents simply can’t reach an agreement on their own, a mediator can design a short-term session to focus on the issue, which is a better option in my opinion than allowing unresolved conflict ruin the holidays for everyone involved.

Recently, attorney Patricia Thompson posted an article at Mediate.com discussing unacceptable behavior by mediators or participants and I agree with many of her observations.

When one party in a mediation engages in abusive or aggressive behavior, including disrespectful and inappropriate language or nonverbal behavior, such as gestures or threatening posturing, the possibility for a peaceful and fair process is jeopardized. It is appropriate for the mediator or the offended party to act.

The mediator should establish guidelines for appropriate behavior before the session or during the introduction to the mediation process. Alternatively, the mediator should encourage the party to adopt appropriate guidelines themselves. Should those guidelines be violated, the mediator should respond by either discussing the violation with the parties in private caucuses or in joint session.

The offended party should not continue taking part in the mediation if they feel the other is behaving inappropriately. The offended party should raise their concern with the mediator and if the issues are not addressed, then they may request the process be terminated.

Mediators are generally sensitive to inappropriate behaviors as it is possible coercive conduct may be sufficient grounds to set aside a mediated agreement. To protect the process, the mediator may terminate the mediation at any time.

One benefit of a well conducted mediation is that it provides a setting where individuals can work together without fear of threat.