We have survived more than a year of the Covid-19 pandemic. However, many have endured isolation, anxiety, grief and trauma. As people are now returning to their workplace we have to recognize all that has been experienced by our fellow colleagues.

A recent article in The Atlantic brings that trauma to light. More than 580,000 Americans have died so far from Covid-19 leaving some 5 million grieving parents, children, siblings, spouses and friends. Millions became sick, many still dealing with symptoms months afterwards. And millions more experienced the stress of unemployment, financial strain, full-time parenting with children out of school and isolation. At the same time, the whole nation felt the tragedies of killings and mass shootings, the U.S. Capitol insurrection, wildfires, and the Texas power crisis. It’s unlikely that anyone has not be touched in somne way or another by one of these events. 

Even those of us who escaped major trauma have experienced the stress that impacts our mental health. Yes, we are resilient, but there is the cultural tendency to go it alone, to “bottle up” the stress, to not talk about our experiences.

Employers need to recognize that even small irritations as people return to the workplace can lead to conflicts that before such stresses were previously ignored. In one office as people returned a major dispute had arisen over one employee who typically removes her shoes at her desk and on occasion walks a few steps away for one reason or another. Before the pandemic her co-workers didn’t mind or would jokingly remind her to put her shoes on. Recently, however, this erupted into a major issue because everyone in the office was simply at the top of their stress tolerance.

A pre-COVID survey of workers in the United States, Belgium, Brazil, Denmark, France, Germany, Ireland, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom asked what managers could do to manage conflicts. Fewer than 10% of workers felt that managers should do nothing. In fact, 40% wanted their managers to act as mediators. That percentage is undoubtedly a majority now and managers should realize that they do not need to be a certified mediator to address such issues. Any manager can use mediation skills to help employees in what will be a more stressful and more conflict filled few years to come.

To continue posts on different forms of mediation, the following covers what is known as marital mediation. I prefer the term “relationship mediation,” as not all couples in a relationship are formally married. 

Relationship mediation is for couples to work through conflicts in their relationship and improve their interpersonal communication skills. It’s the difference between “this relationship must change” and “this relationship must end,” which describes divorce mediation.

Of course, couples successfully deal with conflicts every day. And some may experience conflicts they cannot deal with that threaten their relationship. A mediator offers professional experience and confidentiality. Relationship mediation helps couples improve their interactions and deal with specific issues in their relationship throughout one or a few sessions. A mediator’s role is not focus on the past, but instead the couple’s possible future. 

In popular literature John Gottman is identified as “the guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.” Actually, from years of research, Gottman has identified four kinds of negativity that are lethal to relationships: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. By criticism he refers to personal attacks. When discussion begins with criticism or sarcasm, it inevitably ends on a negative note. By contempt he refers to nonverbal behavior that communicates superiority. Gottman argues that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. By defensiveness he refers to putting the blame on the other partner. And by stonewalling he refers to withdrawing from interaction.   

Relationship mediators stress the importance of listening. We don’t improve our listening by “putting  yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Recent studies have found no evidence that imagining oneself as the other improved the ability to understand their partner. If anything, such an exercise may decrease accurate perceptions while occasionally increasing confidence that blurs one’s judgment.

To improve listening, relationship mediators encourage couples to engage one another in conversation about their feelings. This “perspective getting,” or trying to better understand fthe other, while trying to understand how that person sees their situation, is the most effective listening skill.

Some issues are not appropriate for relationship mediation. Most mediators will not accept clients where the issues include compulsive behavior, eating disorders or sexual addiction. Nor will most mediators feel the process is appropriate for issues that are identified as “how to get him to stop drug abuse” or “how to get her to obey me.”

Relationship mediation can result in reconciliation, meaning both parties want to remain in the relationship. It also means that the parties have discussed what happened between them, shared the hurt, expressed remorse and begun to reestablish trust that each will behave in a positive and productive way.

Reconciliation is an acknowledgement of the past and a commitment for a new future.