MARITAL MEDIATION

To continue posts on different forms of mediation, the following covers what is known as marital mediation. I prefer the term “relationship mediation,” as not all couples in a relationship are formally married. 

Relationship mediation is for couples to work through conflicts in their relationship and improve their interpersonal communication skills. It’s the difference between “this relationship must change” and “this relationship must end,” which describes divorce mediation.

Of course, couples successfully deal with conflicts every day. And some may experience conflicts they cannot deal with that threaten their relationship. A mediator offers professional experience and confidentiality. Relationship mediation helps couples improve their interactions and deal with specific issues in their relationship throughout one or a few sessions. A mediator’s role is not focus on the past, but instead the couple’s possible future. 

In popular literature John Gottman is identified as “the guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.” Actually, from years of research, Gottman has identified four kinds of negativity that are lethal to relationships: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. By criticism he refers to personal attacks. When discussion begins with criticism or sarcasm, it inevitably ends on a negative note. By contempt he refers to nonverbal behavior that communicates superiority. Gottman argues that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. By defensiveness he refers to putting the blame on the other partner. And by stonewalling he refers to withdrawing from interaction.   

Relationship mediators stress the importance of listening. We don’t improve our listening by “putting  yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Recent studies have found no evidence that imagining oneself as the other improved the ability to understand their partner. If anything, such an exercise may decrease accurate perceptions while occasionally increasing confidence that blurs one’s judgment.

To improve listening, relationship mediators encourage couples to engage one another in conversation about their feelings. This “perspective getting,” or trying to better understand fthe other, while trying to understand how that person sees their situation, is the most effective listening skill.

Some issues are not appropriate for relationship mediation. Most mediators will not accept clients where the issues include compulsive behavior, eating disorders or sexual addiction. Nor will most mediators feel the process is appropriate for issues that are identified as “how to get him to stop drug abuse” or “how to get her to obey me.”

Relationship mediation can result in reconciliation, meaning both parties want to remain in the relationship. It also means that the parties have discussed what happened between them, shared the hurt, expressed remorse and begun to reestablish trust that each will behave in a positive and productive way.

Reconciliation is an acknowledgement of the past and a commitment for a new future.