When I am asked just what mediators can do when parties are deadlocked, I tell stories about Bill Usery.

Willie Juilian Usery, Jr. was born in Georgia in 1923. After serving in the Navy during World War II, he returned to Georgia to work at a cork company. Recognizing his organizing talent, the International Association of Machinists sent him to Cape Canaveral to negotiate contracts with aerospace industries. In the 1960s he represented the union on a presidential committee on labor at missile sites. After that President Nixon appointed him assistant secretary of labor for labor-management relations. In 1973, he was named director of the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service and later Secretary of Labor.

After public service, he was an active consultant and mediator into the 2000s. Theodore W. Kheel, the noted labor peacemaker, called him “the most successful mediator in the country’s history.” One AFL-CIO union leader described him as a “country slicker” who disguised his intelligence behind a rustic persona and an ever-present cigar. 

His mediations are legendary: the first collective bargaining agreement among seven unions in the newly created, semi-autonomous U.S. Postal Service; the National Football League preseason strike; the 13-month walkout of mine workers in Harlan County, Kentucky; and more.

He had the reputation of being one the government’s hardest-working civil servants. His office had a shower stall, a refrigerator (to ice martinis), and a humidor (for cigars, which he would light up at 2 a.m.). 

He was universally trusted. Both sides in mediations were comfortable telling him how far they were prepared to go and with that information he was able to guide the parties towards agreements. 

There are many stories of Usery knowing just what to do and at just the right time - For example:

During a deadlocked teacher’s strike in Philadelphia, Usery is believed to have said, “Okay, we need to take a break. Everybody go back home, have a shower and get something to eat—and meet back here in two hours.” When they reconvened, Usery said, “Now we’re not going to have any more of that 36-hour stuff, are we?” The strike was settled in three hours. 

When an extended session between railroad workers and management refused to talk with each other, Usery left the room for his office for a cigar. He returned wearing a button from the car rental company Avis, which read “We Try Harder.”  The parties saw the humor, laughed, and did try harder and reached settlement. What made the difference? His reputation, his commitment and the tension release from his unexpected humor—all those traits and several more. 

I was once told that in difficult extended mediations that were stalled, Usery would ignore requests for a comfort break. Reportedly, he told an associate that one of the most important requirements of a mediator is “a strong bladder.” I would rephrase this comment in his honor, that mediators are eternal optimists, and truly believe that disputing parties can reach mutually acceptable agreements, but sometimes require a little creative urging.

In broad stroke, parent-teen conflict starts in early adolescence, reaches its peak at ages 14 to 16 and declines at ages 17 to 18. Conflicts can erupt every few days over things like curfews, homework and household duties. Psychologists tell us the basis of such quarrels is the teen’s focus on the parent’s acknowledgement of the their developing capability and maturity. From this perspective, teens engage in conflict to change their relationship with their parents, to have parents see them as who they think they have become. It has been estimated, though, that in some 20 percent of families, the conflicts are intense, prolonged and unhealthy.

Parent-teen mediation specifically addresses typical problems that can develop between parents and their older children. Like other forms of mediation, parent-teen mediation provides a safe, neutral setting in which family members can speak directly with one another, explore areas of disagreement and develop solutions that all parties can agree upon. What makes parent-teen mediation different is the very engagement the mediation empowers the teen with and acknowledges the teen’s need for greater autonomy in a way that is acceptable to them and their parents.

The premise of parent-teen mediation is that it reaches agreements on the problem issues by increasing trust between the parent and child, facilitating communication, thus making negotiation on larger issues more likely. The goal is to change the family dynamics and help develop skills for productive communication within the family. 

Parent-teen mediators typically identify themselves as family mediators. Family mediators can be social workers, marriage family counselors, psychologists, attorneys, clergy and other professionals. They have had specialized training in mediation and may have had additional training in children’s development stages, parenting techniques, domestic violence, substance abuse, child abuse and neglect.

Some programs provide co-mediators—an experienced adult mediator and a trained teenager. The obvious advantage of co-mediation is that the presence of the teenage mediator can serve to allay the teenage participant’s perception that the adults are “running the show.” At times the teenage mediator can act as an “interpreter” of the adolescent’s language and perspective.

Parent-teen mediation is one of the more challenging and difficult mediation settings. While family members or friends may offer to serve as a mediator, unless they are trained and experienced in parent-teen mediation, the outcome may actually worsen the situation.

Overall, the evidence suggests that the majority of parents and adolescents reported that the mediation made a positive change in their relationship and would recommend the process to others.