I am a strong advocate for using mediation to resolve disputes. Nonetheless, I am frequently asked why mediation doesn’t always result in a mutually agreeable outcome.

First of all, I respond that even though disputants don’t reach an agreement, it doesn’t mean the mediation was a failure. In mediation there is the opportunity to hear the other participant’s demands, express grievances, and perhaps see more effective ways to present one’s own position. This typically prepares the parties to be more successful at navigating future resolutions.

But realistically, I can often tell when parties are going to have difficulties with mediation. Remember, the brilliance of the process when working with a mediator is that it can develop a mutually acceptable outcome. But it is clear, then, that when one of the parties has no intention of resolving the dispute, such an outcome is unlikely.

 With this in mind, you might ask why anyone wouldn take the time to mediate when they have no intention to resolve the dispute? Sometimes in court referred mediation parties see it as simply something they have to go through in order to take the dispute into court.

 Every mediator can share examples of moments where one of the parties is absolutely entrenched in their position and is simply not open to listening to other points of view, disputing what they believe to be their accurate and justified position. If it is a court referred dispute, these participants “can’t wait to get to court” because they’re convinced the judge will rule in their favor. Usually these disputants are surprised when the outcome in court deliver unfavorable result.

If the party is a business or other corporate entity with an established policy of non-negotiation, their representative will reject such an option outright when mediation is proposed.

Mediators are trained to help people consider the process as a preferred alternative to not settling, but if one of the parties is simply not willing to meaningfully and productively engage, then no resolution will result.   

I’m often asked if family mediation is the same thing as family counseling. 

A Pew Research Center survey in 2010 revealed that 76% of adults in the United States agree that family is the “single most important element in their lives.” It should be no surprise, then, that everyone at some time or another experiences conflict with family members.

The U.S. Census Bureau uses the definition of family as two or more people living together related by birth, marriage or adoption. A more useful definition of family may be from a 1981 White House Conference on Aging—"system of related and unrelated individuals integrated by pattern of social relationship and mutual help.” The communication scholars Dawn Braithwaite and Rebecca DiVerniero use the term “intentional family” to describe individuals who are unrelated biologically or legally, but who share a commitment to each other, live together and consider themselves to be a family.

Because family relationships are so important to us, the conflicts there can be most intense. When we have little investment in a relationship, it is easy to avoid conflicts. We can avoid the other person or avoid dealing with the issue. It is when the relationship is important to us that we feel we should confront issues. In fact, it is recognized that the more intimate the relationship, the more intense the conflict.

So, when people seek help with conflicts in their family, do they go to family counselors or family mediators? Mediation and counseling may “look” the same—two people meeting in a private room with a trained professional, however they are actually quite different. Counseling is focused on the relationship; mediation is focused on resolving a particular conflict or disagreement.

Because of these different objectives, mediation and counseling differ in these ways:

Process: While mediation styles do differ, generally, mediation takes the parties through steps to guide the them to a resolution; Counseling may be unstructured and can take much longer.

Resolution: Mediation works toward closure with a written agreement documenting the end result; Counseling rarely includes a written document.

Cost: As mediation is a short-term process, it is typically much less expensive than counseling. 

Each process is valuable. People seeking help with family conflicts should chose the option that best meets their objectives.