Professional mediators are often surprised to learn of what people who have never experienced the process believe it to be. 

In one of my mediation training programs, a participant took on the challenge to find out what people think mediation is. She decided to simply ask people standing in line in grocery stores waiting to check out. One person said she believed it was “when you close your eyes and try not to think of anything.”

A fair number were quick to respond that it was how you dealt with child custody and visitation. Asked what they thought about the process, most said it was unpleasant and not satisfying. That so many people associate mediation with child custody and visitation issues is certainly a problem. For one reason, many people who have experienced child custody and visitation mediation do have a bad impression of the outcome and, hence, fault the process. Actually, those types of sessions are so very different from other kinds they don’t give an accurate impression of other forms of mediation. 

A smaller number had been involved in a law suit where the court had referred their case to mediation. Court-referred mediation often involves only the attorneys for the parties. The parties themselves may not have any knowledge of the process other than what their attorney tells them. Their evaluation is then more often than not an evaluation of the outcome rather than of the process itself. If they didn’t get the outcome they desired, they tended to blame hoiw the mediation was conducted.

And then there are those who participate in mediation with the objective of “getting everything they were asking for.” If they settled for something different or less than what they expected, they too blamed mediation as the reason.

It all comes down to the parties objectives. If the parties want to prove the other is wrong and want to punish them, or just ant to continue to fight, then mediation won’t satisfy that desire. But if the parties are ready to focus on the future of their relationship, mediation can work wonders. 

I received an email recently from a woman experiencing shelter-at-home who read my posts on dealing with conflicts during Covid-19. In her message she stated, “surely, no one has ever had to deal with this before.” 

I was struck by that comment since there is a fine line between forced and voluntary isolation. At about that same time, I saw a news item featuring an interview with a nun who has been socially distancing with seventeen other nuns for 29 years. The cloistered sisters live in a walled-off monastery and only leave the grounds for medical reasons or when shopping for a specific item. Under such conditions, the nuns can go for months without leaving the grounds.

Of course, even in a monastery tensions and conflicts can arise. In the interview the sister shared their experiences for living in isolation. There is much to learn from her comments. First, she recommends maintaining a daily schedule. Second, practice listening to and learning from those you are with. The less we focus on ourselves and how the world is affecting us, the more we can appreciate and understand others. Third, set aside uninterrupted personal time for exercise, mediation, reading or a hobby.

More time at home with others is a wonderful time to practice honest and true listening. Take time to really listen to hear the person when they explain how they are experiencing the world. That one skill can do more to reduce conflicts than any other.