I’ve received requests for more hints for dealing with conflicts that arise at home during Covid 19, so here’s another to consider.

Perhaps one of the most common complaints I hear is why a family member refuses to deal with the issue at hand? It’s typically an issue one family member wants to settle, but the other (usually a male) just won’t discuss.

Conflict specialists long ago identified several styles for dealing with such situations. The styles many recognize are competing, compromising and collaborating. But avoiding conflicts is also a tactic used to deal with them.

NASA engineers and scientists can send spacecrafts to Mars and one dayt might also send humans to the red planet. That possibility has led to studies of how people react to isolated, confined and extreme environments. Some of those studies have been conducted at the Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation facility where six-member teams have spent a full-year living and working in a 1,200 square-foot dome. And as happens with currently living at home during a pandemic, frictions did occur. For example, imagine a crew member playing the ukulele every day, so loudly that you can hear it, even through earbuds. You can’t leave the dome so what do you do? As one team member reported, when it isn’t possible to walk away or not in anyone’s best interest to have a confrontation, it’s best to simply avoid one another for awhile.

We get the same observation from noted therapist Dr. John Gottman from his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. Dr. Gottman introduced the concept of “flooding” to refer to overwhelming anger. Their bodies release excess amounts of stress hormones, which increases heart rate and respiration and the result is people feeling misunderstood, attacked and wronged. Dr. Gottman argues that the average male’s autonomic nervous system takes far longer to recover from emotional upset than does the average female.

Dr. Gottman suggests, then, that though the average female may want to get issues settled “here and now,” the average male may need to temporarily avoid the conflict by going for a run or working in the yard or garage for awhile.

We don’t always need to settle every issue immediately. Sometimes there is benefit to giving people some time and space.

I was surprised to recently read a Pew Research Center report from 2014 reporting that 9% of married individuals or in committed relationships have resolved an argument with their partner either online or by text message as an alternative because they were having difficulty resolving their conflict in person. 

This seems to contradict several “self-help” books, which generally suggest that using social media to resolve conflicts is harmful to interpersonal relationships. For example, one author suggests that Twitter users in particular don’t expect a response to their tweets, so when they put private communications on Twitter they are really venting by using the platform as “a megaphone.”

The Pew Research Center report concluded, though, that technology can add to shared emotional intimacy. They found that 21% of internet users or cell phone owners felt closer to their partner because of online or text exchanges. In fact, about 25% texted their partner while both were home together. 

What does this tell us about using cell phones and Zoom for mediation and dispute resolution? In the early years of online mediation critics were concerned that such sessions provided less important nonverbal cues than face-to-face interactions. Others were concerned that it was easier for participants to deceive the other party. However, it’s become clear these issues do not seem to deter mediators from using technology successfully for mediation. 

One possible difference was suggested by research that demonstrated participants in online mediation preferred the mediator to be more directive. Perhaps in the online mediation the participants were less tolerant of distractions that took away from the issues at hand.

Nonetheless, today’s social distancing requirements have increased the number of online mediations and preliminary evidence suggests that it’s been working quite well.