How much is an apology worth? Mediators know that it is not unusual for disputants to settle their disagreements when one party is willing to apologize. But for many of us that is simply not easy to do.

When I ask people to recall their first memories of apologies, many recall being taken in hand by a parent and told to say those words “I’m sorry” to a playmate. To many of us the lesson is that we had done something wrong and that to apologize is admitting to having done so.

Actually, there are several forms of apology: Apologies can be ritualistic as when we bump into another person at a crowded reception and say, “Excuse me.” Most likely no offense was taken and there is no further interaction. Apologies can acknowledge and correct minor offenses as when we unintentionally interrupt another person and say, “I’m sorry, go ahead.” Again, probably no offense was taken and the interruption is not mentioned.

Apologies are also used to express sympathy for another’s misfortune without taking any responsibility for it. For example, when a friend tells you about having an auto accident, you might say “I’m sorry” to offer support.

Finally, apologies can acknowledge an offense and accept responsibility for it. Thinking of apologies only as an admission of guilt also makes do so difficult for many people.

Here’s an illustration: In a consumer-merchant mediation, the consumer had prepaid for his daughter’s wedding. The father contended that the caterer was late and otherwise provided poor service. He was suing the caterer to recover $10,000 of what he had paid. He was quite emotional as he felt that his only daughter’s reception had been ruined by the late set-up and poor service. The caterer attempted to explain that the delays were due to weather conditions and fewer staff being available.

After much discussion the parties appeared to be willing to settle on a refund. The parties were in the $3,000 range when the problem-solving appeared to be breaking down. The father kept repeating that his daughter’s wedding reception had been ruined. The caterer kept repeating that he should not be held responsible for the delays caused by bad weather.

At that point the caterer said, “I want you to know how sorry I am this happened. I really do understand how important your daughter’s reception was to you.” That was all that was required to settle. The father said, “That’s all I wanted to hear from you. How about $2,500 for the extra expenses we had accommodating our guests who had to stay over because the dinner was served so late?” They agreed on this amount.

As a mediator I have asked disputants to think about what they can apologize for. Most are willing to express sympathy without taking responsibility. Expressing regret for a conflict ever occuring can sometimes be all that’s required to bring parties to where they can reach an agreement.

According to Family Enterprise USA (2011) there are 5.5 million family businesses in the U.S., which employ 63% of the workforce and contribute 57% of the country’s GDP. Family businesses face the challenge of the conflicts that come with family life. Some of the unique challenges a family business must deal with include succession planning to the next generation, resentments that arise from inequalities of family member participation as well as wealth distribution among active participants and other family members not working in the business. Family business conflicts can sometimes have the dynamics of a divorce.

Additionally, in closely held and partnership businesses, the participants may not be biologically related but can much behave like a family. This is why disputes in closely held and partnership businesses can be similar to marital disputes.

When disputes arise in family-owned, closely-held and partnership businesses stress increases and productivity can suffer as working together becomes increasingly problematic. These disagreements can escalate into expensive and painful litigation that can more easily be addressed through mediation.

Examples of disputes where mediators have been helpful include:

>> Family Business Succession Planning: When one generation begins to release control of the business members of the next generation sometimes struggle with the issues this presents.

>> Selling a Family Business: Selling a family business involves not only the working members of the family but also other family stakeholders who may rely on the business for financial support.

>> Divorce: Divorce can present complex financial and emotional challenges for family members.

So, how does family mediation relate to “Game of Thrones?” I have many friends and colleagues who are big fans so I can’t resist sharing a May 1st Forbes Magazine posting “The Game of Thrones Scene You Won’t See (But Should): Mediation” by Danielle and Andy Mayoras. Supposedly, Season Eight, Episode Four had a mediation scene that was deleted but leaked on the internet. I honestly don’t know if their posting is factual or hypothetical (or both!), but nonetheless, I would imagine it’ll be of interest to those who watch.

But even it is totally created, it does illustrate some of what a mediator can do.

Daenerys Targaryen, Jon Snow, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Tyrion Lannister, Varys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Davos Seaworth, Jamie Lannister, and Samwell Tarly are in the Great Hall of the Winterfell, a couple days after the victory at the Battle of Winterfell.

Daenerys speaks, “everyone needs to be clear on one thing:  Once Cersei is dead, I will be the one to sit on the Iron Throne!”

The mediator begins the mediation by saying, “May I make a suggestion here?  Rather than fighting with each other while Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, perhaps we can plan out a better way to handle this.  Westeros has been through enough already without yet another conflict…. it would be terrible if you worked together and overcame so much, only to turn on each other once you prevail.  There are so many smart people in this room.  Someone must have some other ideas.  Let's brainstorm.”

I suspect the dialogue was created by the authors of the Forbes column, but the mediator’s and Tyrion’s final comments illustrate the advantage of mediation: “Well it sounds like you have worked out a much better solution than fighting each other.  Are there any lawyers around to put pen to paper so that you can have a formal, written agreement?” To which Tyrion replies, “I'm fairly certain they all perished when the army of the dead attacked.  But I think I can handle it.”