I was recently asked to describe my strangest mediation. Actually, there have been many. Many odd situations are dealt with using mediation to resolve them. It doesn’t matter if they appear to be strange; they were real and important to the parties involved and mediation gave them the opportunity to not only address the “strangeness,” but also the dynamic of their relationship.

I will always remember one session dealing with a temporary restraining order. A person may make such a request against another person at the same time they file for one that’s permanent. The person requesting a temporary restraining order must declare under penalty of perjury that they are in danger of irreparable harm or danger before a court hearing can be scheduled. Some civil restraining orders are referred to mediation before the court hearing to give the parties an opportunity to resolve their differences before appearing in court, avoiding a court order against the defendant.

On the evening of this mediation, I identified the plaintiff, a woman who had filed on behalf of her seventeen year-old daughter, and the defendant, an eighteen year-old young man who was accompanied by this father. The mother had filed for a restraining order against the young man to prohibit him from going near her daughter at school and her workplace, from contacting her by cell and any other form. In relating her story, the mother said that the young man presented a threat to her daughter and she wanted the court to keep them apart. In response the young man spoke about his respect for the young lady. The young man’s father spoke with pride of his son who was employed and was the first in his family to attend college.

On a break, the daughter asked him to explain what a restraining order might include. She asked if it would mean that the young man could not visit her at work, but would that include her going to where he worked. With that question I got an image of Romeo and Juliet. Did the mother really believe a court order would keep these two young lovers apart?

The cross talk after the break was heated. The mother continued to say that the young man was a threat. The father continued to speak about how honorable his son was. At one point the mother said that her daughter was not going to get pregnant like her older sister had. Obviously, we had gotten to the basis of her claim and to what she feared.

The young man then volunteered to meet with their priest, the parents of the daughter and sign a pledge to honor her under their marriage. That mention of marriage was what weakened the mother’s resolve. She agreed to drop the request for a restraining order after the meeting with their priest.

My job as mediator was done. I never knew if the mother had a genuine fear or if she was attempting to speed along a marriage. Doesn’t matter—court time was not taken up with this modern version of Romeo and Juliet had a seemingly happy ending.

One question I occassionally am asked is whether or not there is mediation specifically for children. The short answer is… yes. It’s known as “peer mediation” or sometimes “peacemaker programs” and made available in schools across the country. It is estimated that about 25% of schools offer such sessions.

Students in these programs typically first learn basic negotiation skills and practice mediation procedures. Typically, that simple approach is designed to facilitate solutions that are acceptable to the parties involved within the constraints of school policies and laws. The classes may be 30 minutes a day for two or three weeks. After that, the students are available to mediate conflicts as they occur on the school yard or in classrooms.

The conflicts peer mediators deal with in elementary schools include put-downs and teasing, playground conflicts, possession conflicts, physical aggression and fights as well as turn-taking problems. In middle school and high schools, of course, the conflicts reflect those age groups.

Most school administrators and teachers will report that before initiating a peer mediation program, students were not learning constructive negotiation skills in their homes or communities. They typically dealt with conflicts using destructive strategies, such as trying to force the other person to give in and escalating simple conflicts to the level of physical confrontation.

After initiating a peer mediation program, schools typically report a significant decrease in such confrontations and in some cases a complete reduction in student-to-student conflicts that had to be handled by teachers and principals. And the program evaluations also reported that students were using their peer mediation skills in settings outside of their schools, such as with siblings, friends and other family members. Some evaluation reports mention that parents often request their children who were not in the peer mediation program be offered that opportunity the following school year. And some parents even requested the training for themselves!

I’ve had the opportunity to observe and evaluate school-based peer mediation programs. Does it resolve all conflicts in the schools? Of course not, but there is no doubt that peer mediation programs have a major impact. There is no doubt that the students learn new communication skills and have confidence in utilizing them with their peers. I believe the confidence that they can help resolve conflicts is a major benefit for the students.

 If you are interested in learning more about peer mediation programs or would like to advocate schools in your community provide the program, the National Association of Peer Mediation Program, Association for Conflict Resolution, and the JAMS Foundation provide excellent online resources at http://www.peermediationonline.org/index.html.