I am in the middle of a new training program for volunteer mediators. All have been successful in their careers and want to learn the profession in order to give back to their communities by volunteering as a Small Claims Court mediator.

This week they all began to learn just how much their listening skills need to improve. For example, during role play mediations, where they were playing the parts of the disputants, they were distressed to discover how little they were heard by others who were playing the part of the mediator. At the beginning of the class they all thought they were good listeners. however, they discovered that wasn’t as true as they hoped.

In mediation it is critical for disputants to feel that the mediator has heard and understood them. But for most of us that skill doesn’t come as easily as we might assume.

There are many reasons why at times we are not good listeners. Recent research has described one major listening problem this way: Our brains can be thought of as predictive. We are constantly guessing what we will hear next and tend to reject what we might hear in favor of what we assume was said.

In a simple classroom exercise the disputant role-playing a plaintiff described how her son had been bitten by her neighbor’s dog. She described her son, the dog, the incident and the medical bills. The role-play mediator assumed that the boy had entered her neighbor’s yard. She never said that, but most people assumed that they had heard it. Where did that come from? It came from their predictive assumption of what had happened.

So how then do mediators become better listeners? Actually, it’s quite simple. A mediator learns to do frequent summaries of what they have heard. That gives the disputant the opportunity to correct the mediator’s listening mistakes.

If the mediator had said, “Let me be sure I understand. Your son Ted was playing in your backyard. He went into your neighbor’s yard and was bitten by your neighbor’s dog Fido.” The disputant could have said, “No, no. Fido came through the fence into our yard and bit Ted there. Ted never went into our neighbor’s yard.” Big difference.

Mediators must learn to be skilled listeners, and equally importantly, skilled summarizers of what they heard.

From time to time I get calls from friends and acquaintances asking me to mediate a dispute for them. My rule is not to mediate with friends. For starters, there is a potential conflict of interest simply because of an ongoing relationship that might disadvantage the other party in the dispute. The second concern is that the friend might assume that I would continue to be available to help them and enforce their agreement. When I explain that I can’t be their mediator, they usually share that they’ve looked online and found a wide range of mediators, attorneys and mediation organizations offering their services and ask me for recommendations.

I am more than happy to do that, but I also give them tips to become a better informed mediation consumer and I’d like to share some of those tips here:

1. As a potential consumer of mediation services you should learn more about the background of the mediator. But what I suggest you ask is, “How many mediations have you done?,” and then ask for some kind of validation of their answer. Experience makes a difference. I would advise going with an seasoned mediator.

2. Follow question #1 with how many mediations of your type of dispute they’ve conducted and how comfortable they are dealing with it. For example, most mediators are able to handle real estate sessions, but one who has done many relating to that field will simply be more familiar with the terminology.

3. If the mediator tells you they have a high settlement rate, I would actually be a bit concerned. Remember, mediation is about the disputants making their own decisions and sometimes that means choosing not to settle. A mediator who is primarily concerned about settlement rate might pressure disputants to settle even if they don’t want to.

4. Equally important is to ask what style of mediation they use. As the disputant you have a right to determine the style of mediation you prefer. If the mediator says “transformative style,” they will encourage you in the session to focus on the relationship between the disputants. If the mediator says “evaluative style,” they will be actively involved in evaluating and suggesting solutions. If the mediator says “facilitative style,” they will be assisting the parties to work out their own solutions.

5. Finally, ask about cost. Mediation services range from free to several thousand dollars. Free and low cost mediation as offered by community mediation services can be as effective as the more expensive option. Cost should not be the determining factor. Go with whatever feels right to you.