I just completed another training class for mediators and it occurred to me to ask the students what they found most valuable after the final session. I do this because instructors don’t always know what students are hoping to gain from taking such a course.

Here are the top 4 things students shared with me:

1.) Self-Determination: In mediation self-determination refers to the parties coming to a voluntary, informed, and uncoerced decisions.

2.) The Steps: Basically, this refers to the process a mediator uses during sessions.

3.) Listening: Listening refers to ensuring each party feels heard and understood by asking questions and summarizing, which builds trust in the mediator and their approach.

4.) Neutrality: Neutrality means the mediator treats all parties equally and manages the process without imposing a solution.

These are consistent with what I tell people during the training and can be the most difficult to learn.

Many people who become interested in mediation have experience being good problem-solvers. But I warn them they might see ways to solve problems that a mediator may not consider paramount.

Ideally, helping people through mediation to learn better problem-solving skills can help them later with day-to-day conflicts.

In decades of teaching mediation skills, I’ve only had one person tell me being a mediator was a good choice because they couldn’t stop telling other people what to do.

Not all mediations are calm and quiet discussions, nor are the majority angry shouting matches. That said, some disputes during sessions can become verbally aggressive.

During any mediation, heated disagreements can erupt and threaten any progress. Mediators are there to handle those situations and the techniques they use can be applied to other situations.

Mediators typically establish ground rules before starting a session. When the parties understand and accept the parameters, difficult confrontations are less likely to occur. However, if they do, mediators may call for a caucus to provide time and safe place to decompress. The mediator may acknowledge the emotion and attempt to help the party redirect it. Comments such as, “I can see how this issue is a major concern for you. Do you see ways the two of you can address it in a productive way?” Or, “It seems that your emotions might be perceived as threatening. Is there another way to communicate the strength of your feelings about this matter?”

At any time, mediators may resort to shuttle diplomacy, that is, acting as a “go between” the parties carrying proposals back and forth. Many mediations are conducted in this fashion whether or not anger is an issue.

As a neutral, mediators are not passive. Ratherm they are active in ensuring a balanced and fair process.