Listening skills are a major part of every mediation training program.

I can explain why listening is important in mediation, but I admit many people early in their training have a facial expression that says, “I’ve been listening all my life, let’s move on.”

Recently, I found a new book called “Holding the Calm” by attorney and mediator Hesha Abrams, which relates an example of listening she feels illustrates the type mediators must learn to do. At one time in her life Ms. Abrams wanted to give back to her community by volunteering for a Suicide Crisis Hotline. She thought she knew how to listen, especially having attended the center’s training program. Her first call came from a desperate woman. Throughout an exhausting hour long session she tried hard to give advice and provide resources that included a checklist designed to turn the caller’s life around. After the call, an experienced volunteer told her, “You’re doing it all wrong!” Hesha then realized she had not listened, but instead managed to show the caller how she was smarter and had her life together. by comparison

She then began practicing how to listen and explains on page 37 of her book: “I hit my tongue when I wanted to talk or give advice. I consciously nodded my head even though I was on the phone. I repeated back what people said and mirrored their thoughts. I asked questions--not to get answers but to genuinely inquire. My intent was to make people feel heard, empowered, and validated, even over the smallest detail…. I learned how to listen—to hear behind the words, hear what is not being said, and hear deeply.”

That is exactly the kind of listening skills mediators must develop to understand how the speaker sees their situation—not how the mediator would if “they were in their shoes.” Listening for understanding is the kind that engenders the trust that helps make the mediation process work.

I sometimes receive calls from people who are about to participate in mediation for suggestions as to how they should prepare beforehand. As a result, I’ve developed a checklist of the following ten tips: 

1.) First and foremost, unless the mediator gives you concerns of prejudice or impartiality, trust your them. They’re not emotionally involved in the conflict and only want to help find an agreement that works for you.

2.) If there are legal or financial issues this would be a good time to chat with your attorney or financial advisor, if you haven’t already done so.

3.) Always, always “keep your cool.” Even if the other party becomes emotional or aggressive, let the mediator deal with it. You need to retain a clear mind.

4.) If there are relevant documents or photographs, make copies for the other party and the mediator. Such documents should be shared with the other party before the mediation.

5.) Be sure you have a clear understanding with the other party as to confidentiality of statements and documents or any notes taken during the mediation.

6.) The mediator may suggest ground rules, such as no interruptions. If they don’t, but you feel ground rules are necessary, discuss that with the mediator.

7.) You don’t want to feel pressured by a deadline while at a session, so clear your schedule for the day.

8.) The mediator may ask you a question like “What would you like to accomplish in the mediation?” Be honest with yourself. Do you really want an apology? Do you want a financial settlement? Do you want to repair the relationship? Go into a mediation with a clear objective.

9.) Think creatively. Negotiation in mediation can be more than compromise, it can be mutual problem solving to find an agreement that meets both parties needs and interests.

10.) Finally, be gracious.