Herb Cohen, author of the bestselling book, You Can Negotiate Anything, is noted as having said “Your real world is a giant negotiating table, and like it or not, you’re a participant.” Due to the book’s popularity, his son Rich Cohen recently published The Adventures of Herbie Cohen: World’s Greatest Negotiator.

 Mediators, of course, don’t negotiate during mediation, but can coach participants in their arbitration. Some of Herb Cohen’s advice applies not only to mediators, but also to those who find themselves in a conflict.

 Herb Cohen’s advice as described by his son:

• Win-win is not only an option, but a philosophy, a worldview, and a goal. To Cohen, win-win outcomes were the only path to long term success.

• If the goal is to solve a problem, don’t humiliate your adversary. Give them a way out and way to save face.

• Be patient. Don’t rush an agreement.

• Most importantly, don’t get fixated on a particular outcome. Be creative and find novel solutions.

 To many, Cohen had a reputation as a hardball negotiator, but his son described his father’s basic truth as: People you are in conflict with today will still be here tomorrow; and you’ll still have to live with them. Herb Cohen would encourage us to accept that philosophy and work back from there.

 That simple approach is one mediators can help disputants understand. Conflicts arise in relationships and unless ties are forever broken, the parties will have to deal with each other again. How they deal with one another in mediation sets the stage for the future.

If there is a word I could delete from our common vocabulary it would be “fight.”

 The word “fight” is probably of Old English origin meaning to combat with weapons, attack, gain by combat for the purpose of winning. And the word “win” has similar Old English origins of succeeding by conquering. Seemingly an endless number of famous quotations suggest fighting is an inevitable aspect of life necessary for winning and self respect. The word “fight” now is in common use in politics and business.

 Unfortunately for many, the understanding of the word “win” is that someone “loses” and so it is imperative for them to be victorious at all costs.

 In narrative mediation, careful attention is given to the words disputants use as they provide insight into how those involved understand their conflict. For example, in a neighbor vs. neighbor dispute over fencing, one might describe the dispute as having “battle lines” that the other neighbor “threw a bomb” across. Those words indicate one neighbor understands their dispute over fencing as a war with all that comes with it. A peacemaker might enter into that dispute by using war concepts, such as asking if a cease-fire or peace treaty is possible.

To change our shared reality we need to think of the words we use and what they imply. If the neighbor described and understood the fence situation as a “problem,” think of the actions associated with the word “problem” where the major association is “solving.” That approach requires different behaviors than “fighting” over the fence. The same can be said for situations in business and politics.

So, please… Let’s stop using the “F” word.