Some have observed that one unfortunate outcome of Covid-19 has been confrontations between service workers and customers over mask wearing, vaccination proof and any number of other complaints. One survey revealed that an amazing 80% of workers reported experiencing hostile behavior from customers over safety protocols alone.

These confrontations are just symptomatic of the modern era’s focus on a customer culture. Amazon, for example, is noted for its “customer obsession,” which some argue comes at the expense of its own workers. In our customer focused culture, some customers have come to believe that getting anything they want, when they want it, and how they want it, should be the standard no matter the circumstances.

Is the truism, “The customer is always right,” to blame?

Several years ago I wrote the book “The Customer is Usually Wrong!” where I looked into the origin of that guideline. I believe it originated with H. Gordon Selfridge. Born during the mid-1800s in Wisconsin, Selfridge had been a Marshall Field junior partner. He retired to London and established Selfridge & Co., Ltd., the famous palatial department store on Oxford Street. People in his clerical pool at that time were perhaps not the most educated nor sophisticated, so Selfridge created a simple, easy to remember guideline for employees to implement.  Of course, Selfridge wanted his elite customers to be satisfied, become repeat customers and tell others about the good service they received.

Businesses today have the same objective Selfridge did, but there is a major difference. Today’s workers are educated and knowledgeable by comparison.

What does this have to do with conflict management and mediation? It has long been my belief that employees can use mediation skills to deal with unsatisfied customers so that issues are dealt with successfully and at minimal or no cost to the business. Empowering employees to use such skills results in better outcomes for both the customer and business than blindly following the truism “the customer is always right” ever does.

Even the simple mediation skills of determining the customer’s underlying need to be heard will work wonders. A customer may loudly and forcefully demand something, which may be impossible or costly to provide. If an employee follows “the customer is always right” the business has experienced an unnecessary cost. But if that employee can determine what is motivating that demand with a few simple questions, then they may be able to meet that need in other ways. The result: The customer’s need is met and feels satisfied while the business saved money and retained goodwill in the process.

When I say “the customer is usually wrong,” I mean at times what a customer is demanding may not be the underlying issue. Employees can be empowered to deal with the underlying concern and if successful, everyone benefits.

Years ago the president of a successful cruise line told me a story that illustrates the point. A couple had booked a cabin and discovered it was not what they thought they had reserved. In front of other passengers, they loudly demanded an upgrade. But the ship was completely full and their booking record was actually what they paid for.  Using “the customer is always right” guideline, the cruise representative may have offered them a voucher for a future trip costing the company revenue. And regardless of such a gesture, the passengers might have still been unhappy.

Instead, to avoid causing embarrassment by pointing out the customers mistake, the cruise employee suggested the cabin pictures in their brochure may haver been misleading. He went on to explain that most passengers spend very little time in their cabins regardless of the type of room. He then granted the dissatisfied passengers “special VIP status.” However, the cruise line president admitted to me that there was no such thing as “special VIP status” but his colleague was empowered to arrange an “insiders” tour of the ship and free drinks, all at a cost of less than $20. In response, the couple continued to book trips with their cruise line, all because they felt their needs were recognized, which made them feel special.  

As of mid-July this year, the airlines had reported over 3,400 incidents of “unruly passengers” to the Federal Aviation Administration. Such incidents include passengers refusing to wear masks throughout the Covid-19 pandemic; a passenger who spat on other passengers after being asked to put on a mask; and a passenger being duct-taped to a seat after trying to open the plane’s door midflight. Others refuse to use headsets, sharing their music with fellow passengers, whether they like it or not. While others feel compelled to make their political beliefs aggressively known, such as one who loudly harassed Senator Mitt Romney on a flight with cries of “traitor.”

 And it’s just not in the air that anger is expressed. Even in pre-Covid days, the American Automobile Association reported a survey that revealing 56% of drivers purposely tailgated, 47% yelled at another driver, 45% beeped to show anger, 33% make angry gestures and 24% purposely tried to block another driver from changing lanes.

A BBC report attributed at least some of air and road rage to the Covid pandemic mental-health legacy. We are carrying the stress of the pandemic onto planes, into our cars and just about everywhere we go. And the target of our rage just happens to be the nearest person.

People who study conflict identify these behaviors as non-realistic conflict, that is, conflict that results from one party’s need to release tension. Think of road rage: the act of an aggressive or angry driver who may make threatening gestures, shouts verbal insults and drive in a threatening manner. The angry driver has no relationship with other drivers on the road, so the behavior is an end in itself, primarily a response to frustrations in which others appear suitable targets for a release of frustrations. And the target could easily change because there is no relationship between the parties.

Are air rage and road rage unique to the United States? Of course not, but there are cultural differences in how anger is expressed and handled by others. Anthropologists have studied nonviolent cultures scattered around the world. The Toraja people of Indonesia have a very low rate of expressed anger as well as a very low rate of violence and crime. The religious and cultural values of the Toraja place an emphasis on social harmony, cooperation, patience and acceptance. Anger is feared because it may cause social disintegration of their community.

The Toraja try to accept the setbacks of life by not dwelling on them. When conflicts do happen, they remind themselves of the physical and emotional dangers of anger and how expressing the emotion makes one look bad in others’ eyes. But when the Toraja do experience anger, they conceal all outward aspects of it. Overt displays of anger are considered shameful and met with ridicule. The Toraja refuse to speak with one another while angry. The Toraja ignore anger in others in consideration for the person’s physical and mental health. When he or she has cooled down, bystanders assist in a reconciliation with those with whom they were angry. Grudges are not allowed to remain. 

Are there things we can learn from the Toraja? Coincidentally, many of the recommendations by the American Automobile Association aliugn with the Toraja culture: When confronted with an angry driver, don’t engage the person, avoid eye contact, which can be seen as a challenge. And, most importantly, don’t get angry yourself or take the other person’s anger personally.

“Winning” an argument with an angry person isn’t worth the risk to personal safety and the safety of others. The pandemic has put most people under incredible stress and some will express it with anger during situations, which would not have bothered them otherwise. We need to learn from the Toraja because increased stress will surely be with us for awhile.