Stay home mandates, job losses, and school closures have put couples and families into close and extended contact, and, unfortunately that means increased opportunity for conflict. In my previous post, I shared mediator techniques that anyone can use to diffuse conflict situations during quarantine, but there is one caution:

It is estimated that some 10 million people experience domestic violence each year in the United States. Prolonged close contact at home and the stress of job losses can put individuals at greater risk for domestic abuse. Research has established a relationship between natural disaster and increased interpersonal violence. For example, Miami’s spousal abuse hotline experienced a 50% increase in calls during and after Hurricane Andrew.

While it has not been widely reported, the number of domestic violence incidents evidently rose sharply in China during its quarantine. In the U.S. the National Domestic Violence Hotline reports increasing calls as stay home mandates expand.

It’s not that stay-home mandates, job losses, and school closures cause peaceful partners and parents to suddenly become abusive. It’s households that have already experienced violence are more likely to do so even more during such times.

Abuse is about power and control—not about rational problem solving. Individuals who find themselves in these situations should plan for emotional and physical safety and seek support. If local resources are difficult to reach at present, call the highly trained advocates available 24/7 at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Individuals should not try to deal with this type of conflict alone.

The current quarantines have confined family and friends to limited space over extended periods of time. With that coupled with the stress we’re all experiencing, it’s inevitable that some conflicts will occur. I’ve already been asked if there is anything mediators can share that might help.

               NASA scientists have studied how humans react to isolated, confined and extreme environments using Mars habitats at the Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation facility. Imagine, for example, being in extended isolation with a family member who practices playing the ukulele every day. And let’s say the family member is “still learning” how to play skillfully. What do you do? You can’t leave. You don’t want to shout “please quit that infernal noise.” NASA scientists noted that sometimes it’s simply okay to avoid each other for awhile. But since other types of disagreements can’t simply be ignored, here are three simple skills mediators use that anyone can employ:

First: Learn to listen differently. We’ve all heard the advice, “to put yourself in the other’s person’s shoes,” as a way to understand one another. Actually, studies have found no evidence that intentionally imagining oneself in another person’s situation improves our ability to understand them. Instead the researcher’s found that initially trying to understand how that person sees their situation improves listening. For example, if a teenager’s loud music is just more than you can tolerate, then thinking about how much you dislike the music won’t help. Better to learn and understand what the music means and why it appeals to the teen. You now share their perception and can better communicate.

Second: Separate demands from needs. This is an easy skill to learn if you can begin to recognize that when people make demands, they are really advancing a solution to a problem for which there may be better options that work for all. Obviously, one sees how learning to recognize that demands often represent one way to solve a problem can be beneficial.

Third: Look for activities and goals that require cooperation in order to complete as task. This approach was recognized long ago by a researcher who “staged” competition in a boy’s camp in Oklahoma. The competitions lead to destructive behaviors. Then the researcher introduced activities that required the boys to cooperate with one another to mutual benefit. For example, a broken water pipe required the boys work together to bring water to the camp. With a little creativity, you can think of activities that require competing individuals to cooperate in order to complete something they both desire.

               There are other mediator skills that we can use in this difficult period. If we’re all in this situation longer, I will be sharing more.