The current quarantines have confined family and friends to limited space over extended periods of time. With that coupled with the stress we’re all experiencing, it’s inevitable that some conflicts will occur. I’ve already been asked if there is anything mediators can share that might help.

               NASA scientists have studied how humans react to isolated, confined and extreme environments using Mars habitats at the Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation facility. Imagine, for example, being in extended isolation with a family member who practices playing the ukulele every day. And let’s say the family member is “still learning” how to play skillfully. What do you do? You can’t leave. You don’t want to shout “please quit that infernal noise.” NASA scientists noted that sometimes it’s simply okay to avoid each other for awhile. But since other types of disagreements can’t simply be ignored, here are three simple skills mediators use that anyone can employ:

First: Learn to listen differently. We’ve all heard the advice, “to put yourself in the other’s person’s shoes,” as a way to understand one another. Actually, studies have found no evidence that intentionally imagining oneself in another person’s situation improves our ability to understand them. Instead the researcher’s found that initially trying to understand how that person sees their situation improves listening. For example, if a teenager’s loud music is just more than you can tolerate, then thinking about how much you dislike the music won’t help. Better to learn and understand what the music means and why it appeals to the teen. You now share their perception and can better communicate.

Second: Separate demands from needs. This is an easy skill to learn if you can begin to recognize that when people make demands, they are really advancing a solution to a problem for which there may be better options that work for all. Obviously, one sees how learning to recognize that demands often represent one way to solve a problem can be beneficial.

Third: Look for activities and goals that require cooperation in order to complete as task. This approach was recognized long ago by a researcher who “staged” competition in a boy’s camp in Oklahoma. The competitions lead to destructive behaviors. Then the researcher introduced activities that required the boys to cooperate with one another to mutual benefit. For example, a broken water pipe required the boys work together to bring water to the camp. With a little creativity, you can think of activities that require competing individuals to cooperate in order to complete something they both desire.

               There are other mediator skills that we can use in this difficult period. If we’re all in this situation longer, I will be sharing more.

 I was recently asked an interesting question with the ongoing health crisis top of mind. The question was whether mediation can be used in emergency situations, meaning can it be conducted in a short time frame?

The assumption seems to be that mediations take hours or even days. The short answer is they can be concluded in just a few minutes. In fact, mediations in Small Claims Courts throughout the country are often finalized in 15 minutes or so.

So, the next question to ask is how are time compressed mediations possible? In training programs for people learning mediation skills I stress the following factors:

First: As disagreements carry on and grow people often lose sight of their original objective for resolving the conflict. This is why I ask disputants at the beginning of a session to establish an objective for what they would like to accomplish. With a defined specific objective people are better able to have an acceptable outcome.

Second: Just as people lose sight of their original objective, they also neglect to consider what will happen if the matter is not resolved. Negotiations and mediators refer to this as “Worse Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement” or “WATNA” for short. When people are aware of the consequences for not settling, they are again better able to be successful in mediation.

Lastly: I’ve often said that if a mediation starts at 10:00am in one room and another room at 11:00am, it’s practically guaranteed that both will conclude by lunch. Why? Because we are all motivated by deadlines—from “Sale Ends Friday” to “…finishing a project before a holiday.” Deadlines can’t be arbitrary and they need to impact both parties, but when used by the mediator the deadline can be a very strong motivator to help parties agreeably end a dispute.

For example in many a Small Claims Court, the mediator helps individuals establish an objective (“What would you like to see happen today?”), helps individuals understand the consequences of not settling (“If you are not able to reach an agreement, the judge will decide for you.”) and finally make it clear to the parties that in the court setting there is a limited time for the mediation.

Of course, many conflicts have complex or multiple issues and/or multiple parties which simply will require hours and even days of work, but many disputes can be resolved successfully within a small window of time.