While many people have heard of or experienced Small Claims Court mediation for limited dollar amount disputes or Family Court mediation for child custody and visitation, few have experience with the wide range of situations in which mediators work with families.  

Let me just list some by category:

Cohabitation Agreements: Assisting unmarried individuals agree on their individual rights and responsibilities such as household responsibilities and expenses

Pre-nuptial and Post-nuptial Agreements: Agreements as to assets, liabilities and financial support in the event a marriage ends in divorce

Marital Mediation: Mediation with couples attempting to save a marriage from divorce in practical and in the short-term but does not deal with therapeutic analysis as would marital counseling.

Same-sex Couples: Assisting same-sex couples develop agreements as to entering into or dissolving a relationship

Family Business: Family-owned businesses can experience conflicts that are not only business-related but personal as well. Mediation assists family members to deal with issues of goals, structure, control, finance, succession, and selling the business.

Divorce Mediation: Divorcing couples who wish to maintain some sort of relationship benefit from mediation over the issues in their divorce.

Estate Planning: Estate planning can assist families dealing with elderly or terminally ill family members to plan for care and estate issues.

Probate Mediation: Conflicts can arise during probate that can involve family, friends, caretakers and possibly charitable organizations.

Elder Mediation: Families may experience conflicts over issues of the care of an elderly family member.

Please note that family mediation is no psychotherapy, marital counseling or legal representation. Mediators who deal with family issues assist family members discuss difficult issues, ask questions,  exchange views and find mutually acceptable solutions to family problems. After mediation, the family may or may not require the assistance of a legal professional or other professional to implement their decisions.

The major benefits are two. First, mediation is a less costly process, but second and more importantly, mediation focuses on the relationship between the parties to maintain the family.

Several years ago with counseling psychologist Paul Pedersen I planned and executed an international conference for Asia Pacific mediators in Penang, Malaysia. Mediators shared examples of how they conducted sessions.

I will never forget a presentation by Chalidaporn Songsamphan of Thammasat University in Bangkok which described a mediation conducted by a Buddhist monk. He told of a logging company in Thailand that needed land for growing trees and how its agents attempted to buy the land from locals. Some of those sales were by families who did not in fact own the land. The resulting disputes among those families escalated into violence.

The monk who was known and respected by the families stepped in to mediate. He first convinced all the parties that he was impartial and wanted to help. He then acted as an intermediary and was able to get the families to meet face-to-face. At the conclusion of the successful mediation the monk had the disputing families put their weapons in containers and poured water over them. He then asked the family members to take a drink of that water as a ceremonial oath to end the violence in the spirit of the Buddhist teaching that hatred can only be stopped by forgiveness.

Thailand is what is known as a high context culture, that is, one where much of the meaning of communication is embedded in the context or the environment rather than in the spoken words. For example, Japan is another high context culture and the traditional Japanese tea ceremony demonstrates this well. All the meaning is in the environment and actions. No words are spoken. Now, contrast that with two people in low context sharing coffee in the United States. The environment, the design of the cups and the actions are all irrelevant as the meaning comes in the words the people are speaking.

In a low context culture such as the U.S., the resolution of a dispute is usually a written agreement where considerable effort is put into the selection of the words so that both parties are satisfied. At the most disputants in the U.S. may shake hands—that is the extent of the ceremony.

But in high context cultures settlements are often accompanied by ritual and spirituality. Lao Tzu said in the 5th century BCE, “Ceremonies are the outward expressing of inner feelings.”

Even in the U.S., after an agreement is signed, if I feel the parties may be open to it, I ask if they would like to shake hands. When that happens it seems that the parties have reinforced their relationship beyond what their written agreement did.