MORE IDEAS FROM MEDIATION FOR QUARANTINE TIMES

Previously, I posted medition skills that those of us staying home with family and friends can use when even small conflicts occur. Since then I’ve received requests to share more ideas, so here are two more with one additional that I feel is worth repeating from an earlier post, whch I believe it is the most useful of all. And as one reader pointed out to me, parents often use these techniques without realizing they are commonly used in mediation.

               The first is called “unpacking.” As a conflict grows it’s typical that the parties begin to focus on one single issue. Negotiators and mediators will testify single issue conflicts are difficult to resolve as the parties attempt to use compromise and insist concessions be equal. And more often than not, splitting the difference can mean that both parties don’t get what they need. So, unpacking simply means to divide a single issue into its component issue. An example is curfew time for teens. Are school nights the same as weekend nights? Does the type of activity make a difference? Unpacking gives parties more things to talk about without clashing head-to-head on a single issue.

               The second is two words we can borrow from negotiators: “If…what…” - These two words make it possible to consider hypothetical agreements without making an actual concession. “If I do XXXX, what would you be willing to do?” Because it is a hypothetical conditional statement, it is not a concession, but more importantly, it communicates a willingness of working together to find mutual agreement.

               Finally, I’d like to reiterate an example from my experience that I feel is the most useful skill for anyone dealing with a conflict: Separating demands from needs. It’s a scenario the early management theorist Mary Parker Follett created that many people often use without giving her credit. It goes like this: Two sisters are arguing over an orange. The argument gets intense until they finally decide to cut the orange in half leaving both “half satisfied.” Better still, she advocated simply asking, “Why do you want the orange?” One says, “for the juice;” while the other says, “for the peel to bake a cake.” Obviously you see how learning to recognize that demands often simply represent one way to solve a problem.

               I’ve also been asked to share more information about Mary Parker Follett. She was born in 1868 into an affluent Quaker family in Massachusetts. She studied at the Society for the Collegiate Instruction of Women (later to become Radcliffe College). She graduated summa cum laude and wanted to continue her education at Harvard, but was denied admission because she was a woman. She then worked as a social worker in Boston and later became the vice president of the National Community Center Association. She went on to become the first woman to address the London School of Economics and became a consultant to President Theodore Roosevelt on managing not-for-profit non-governmental and voluntary organizations. Not widely recognized at the time, her ideas influenced the most well-known human relations theorists and set the stage for a generation of progressive changes in U.S. workplace management. She became known for the term, “power with,” as a contrast to, “power over,” which refers to working with others cooperatively by power sharing.

               There are other mediator skills that  we can use throughout this difficult period. If we’re all in this situation longer, I will share more.