the relationship is more important than the conflict

I recently opened Facebook and found a message from a student from 25 years ago. It was a pleasure to read how he had appreciated our class in Conflict and Communication and that he remembered my quote “The relationship is more important than the conflict.”

That caused me to reflect on some popular myths about conflict I’ve shared with students over the years:

1.) Harmony is normal; conflict is abnormal.

In reality, conflict is inevitable and conflicts in relationships are as normal as harmony. Simply put, since we live and work with other people, conflict is inevitable. 

2.) Conflicts are communication breakdowns. If people communicated better there would be no conflicts.

I hear this so often. In response I ask people to consider that at least some times with more communication it becomes increasingly clear that the conflict is very real indeed. 

3.) Conflict destroys relationships.

In reality it is unresolved conflicts that destroys relationships. And conflicts that are confronted by both parties to work toward a resolution can, in fact, strengthen the relationship.

4.) The best way to resolve conflicts is to simply compromise.

Compromise is one way to resolve conflicts, but there are productive ways which do require more effort. I’ve taught “Win-Win” collaboration as the optimum way to resolve conflicts so that all parties win. 

And, yes, I still believe and teach that the relationship is more important than the conflict.