LISTENING TO LEARN

In his classic book, “On Leadership,” author John Gardner addresses the subject of conflicts.

He wrote that we’ve become a combative species with an infinite capacity for contention within families, tribes, nations, races, politics, classes and religions, neighbors and businesses. While disagreements, “are part of the necessary noisiness of a free society,” protracted conflicts must be dealt with.

 Anyone with an interest in dispute resolution in any setting knows the importance of listening. I’ve written many times about limitations to our listening, including thinking about what we’re going to say rather than listen to what is being said, and assuming we understand what another means by thinking about how we would be reacting to the situation the person is describing.

 My guidelines for more effective listening include:

• Controlling the environment to minimize distractions

• Being totally present in the moment (don’t be thinking about other things)

• Not interrupting

• Asking for help to understand words and concepts, which the listener is not familiar

• Asking questions to clarify what was said, to gain additional information, and encourage the party to continue speaking

• Don’t engage in fact-finding, interrogation style questions. They put anyone on the defensive.

• Don’t assume we can know what another is feeling by thinking about what we would be feeling in the situation they are describing. Listen to understand the other person in order to understand what they are feeling—not what we would be feeling if we were in their position

• Finally, summarize what we heard

 I don’t know how many management seminars I’ve attended where attendees are given lists of ways to improve listening. Quite frankly, most don’t adhere to the list because they assume they can be a good listener since they’ve been listening their entire lives.

The point is that they may not have been listening effectively.