WHAT MAKES AN EFFECTIVE APOLOGY?

Mediators will tell you during many sessions one party will say, “I’ll drop this case if I can just hear an apology.”

Apologies are difficult for many simply because we’ve been taught it’s an admission of guilt. But there are several ways to say “I’m sorry.” For example, when a person is willing to say something like, “I’m sorry this dispute ever happened” or “I’m sorry what this argument has done to our relationship,” the doors to working toward an agreement are often opened.

Researchers identified the components of an effective apology and here are some to consider:

1.) A statement to frame the apology, for example, “I apologize”

2.) An expression of regret or sadness

3.) An identification of what happened

4.) Acknowledgement of responsibility for what happened

5.) An explanation of why the event occurred

6.) A promise that it will not reoccur

7.) An offer of repair

8.) A request for forgiveness or reconciliation

In one mediation when a party refused to apologize, I asked them in a private meeting how much they were willing to lose by not choosing to do so. It became evident that not being willing to say “I’m sorry” was very, very expensive. The party was then willing to consider what they could meaningfully apologize for without being perceived as the guilty party. Settlement was reached after a simple “I’m really sorry we couldn’t have worked this out earlier with less expense to both of us.”

That was enough to get the parties talking.